What People Really Want When They’re Grieving
You want to be a supportive friend but you don’t know what you should do when someone’s grieving and you definitely don’t want to say the wrong thing.
Grief is a complex but common experience. Because it is common, people often write off the significance of it as simply “part of life.” We resort to hoping that with time people “get over it” and “move on.” While life experiences, like grief and loss, are normal, it doesn’t mean there’s no need for additional support.
It can be especially hard to support someone in grief if you yourself have never experienced a significant loss.
Here’s what to expect when grieving.
When experiencing grief, one can expect to feel some degree of shock or denial. It’s common, especially if the grief was unexpected, to forget at times that the loss happened. This can be especially painful because it feels as though the reality of loss is lived over and over. It is a normal part of grief and your brain adjusting to the new reality that feels so foreign.
One can also expect to feel extra agitated, anxious, or angry in the wake of loss. That anger might be towards God or the Universe for the unfairness of loss. The anger could be towards the person that was lost. The anger could be directed inwards towards the individual grieving.
It’s super normal to experience sadness and even a sense of helplessness that can take the shape of apathy. Grievers often feel less motivation to do the things they normally would. It often feels like doing the normal tasks of life take 10x the effort. This can mean that grieving individuals have a hard time feeling the same joy or delight in things they used to find fun. Often this fades and as grief transforms, the person grieving is able to reconnect with feelings of joy or delight.
While processing grief, one can also expect to go through periods where the loss feels just okay. Not that the person grieving likes the loss or would choose it, but it is normal to feel sometimes okay with accepting that it did happen. It’s normal to feel neutral towards the loss - this neutrality can then feel upsetting as some people take it to mean that they are forgetting how dear their loved one was to them, but not to fear, this neutrality may simply be that you are adjusting to a new reality.
It’s important to note that grief doesn’t have a timeline, so whatever you do, don’t tell someone their grief will resolve in X number of days, months, or years. That’s often not helpful and sometimes even harmful to their grieving process.
It’s also important to note that our grief doesn’t move through sequential steps and then just neatly end at acceptance and we’re done grieving. Our grief flows much like a wave. It comes and goes. Sometimes it’s large and intimidating, other times it feels more gentle and settled. One can move from acceptance back into anger, anxiety, or sadness, and even denial - and then move into acceptance. Grief is more of a process we allow ourselves to navigate through than a step-by-step process we control.
Three things grieving people really want
Here’s how you can help. Folks who are grieving often want these three things.
1. Genuine connection
Grief, especially the loss of a loved one through death, loss of physical or mental capacity, divorce, or a break up, shakes up the individual’s sense of connection in the world. Someone they used to feel connected to is now not playing that role. As you’re wanting to support the person grieving, take inventory of what your relationship to them is and offer support in accordance with that.
For example, if you are this person’s best friend, it is probably okay for you to ask them how they’re feeling about the loss. You might engage the conversation with these questions:
“Hey there, this is a really tough time and I want you to know I’m in your corner, as always. Please feel free to share what you’re feeling - I want to know how I can best support you and I’m always a listening ear and hug for you!”
“Hey there, how’s the week been for you? You’ve been on my mind and I want you to know I’m here for you.”
“Hey there, it’s been a few weeks now, just checking in to see how you’re doing because I was thinking of you.”
However, if you know this person from high school art class and you’ve never talked to them since, it won’t feel genuine to them if you ask them how they’re managing.
If you’re not their best friend or your connection to the person hasn’t previously involved being emotionally open and vulnerable, it might be best for you to not ask a question like, “How are you doing?” expecting them to pour their heart out to you. Or worse, asking “How are you doing?” and expecting they will share as they usually do. In the wake of a loss, you can assume they’re probably not doing so hot and if they haven’t previously shared their feelings with you, they likely wouldn’t want to in the midst of so much grief.
What might feel more supportive is to engage them as you normally would, but perhaps with extra compassion. This might sound like:
“Hey there, we’re having a game night on Friday and I’d love to have you join. I’m also aware you’re going through a tough time, so feel no pressure. Just want you to know you’re welcome and thought of!”
“Hey, I thought of you because this song came on and this artist is performing in the next month. I’m thinking of going, would you be interested in joining me?”
“Hi, so good to see you! I’m glad you’re here. What have you been up to this week?”
Grief can feel so disorienting, so having some normalcy to relationships can feel supportive. You can be a thoughtful acquaintance by not acting weird around them because their grieving. Your role might be to simply have extra compassion and grace for them. If they’re moody or seem off, be kind and inclusive.
2. To be cared for, in practical ways
The normal tasks of life become really hard in the wake of grief. Sometimes what’s most helpful is taking care of those tasks. Rather than asking the person “How can I help?” or “Let me know what you need!” simply offer help. Grieving people like to feel thought of and taken care of, in part because it just feels nice to be cared for, but also because it allows them to not have to expend so much energy. And energy is typically low when someone is in the throws of grief.
Caring for someone might look like:
“Hey, I made extra lasagna and it actually turned out good - would you like me to drop some off at your place tonight? If so, what’s the best time for me to drop by.”
“Hey there, I got this massage gift card for you.”
“I’d like to drop by this week and do some household chores for you (laundry, vacuuming, dishes, etc.). Would you be cool with this? What time would work best for you?” Or “Here’s a gift card to a household cleaning service - you deserve extra care always, but especially now. I’ve used the service before and it was a great experience.”
“I’m running to the grocery store later this afternoon. Can I pick anything up for you and drop it off?”
“I’d love to lighten your load this week. Can drop your kids off at school for you?”
When someone offers help and dreams up the idea, it helps the grieving person to really feel thought of without having to put the mental effort into deciding what help they need. For those who struggle to receive help, it’s also ideal to offer specific help, so that you’re not wrestling with their guilt about asking you to do a chore for them.
3. Permission to be right where they’re at
Grief is often an unexpected experience wrought with lots of surprises. Our grief often reminds us of past losses, big and small. Grieving individuals need permission to not be their usual self. As a supportive person in their life, you can help by reducing your typical expectations of them, making extra accommodations and accepting them for right where they’re at.
If their grief is impacting you negatively, you might want to examine what the impact is on you and if there’s room for you to own what’s coming up for you. Perhaps you’re uncomfortable with big emotions, so you feel nervous or upset when they are in their grief - there might be room for you to explore how you can accept them where they’re at and not need to “fix” their big emotion but rather be with them in it. Or perhaps their grief is inhibiting your normal functioning. Maybe they’re your partner and they’ve stopped working and contributing to the household in ways they used to. Perhaps this has gone on for a while you’re starting to feel at the end of your rope. In a gentle way, you might reflect to them how you’re impacted and what you’re needing and explore together if you need to adjust your expectations of them or if they need additional support from a grief therapist to be able to move through their grief.
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While grief is a common experience that everyone will have, it doesn’t mean we all know how to manage it well. In the midst of grief, we need to know we’re not alone in it, we’re thought of, cared for, and allowed to feel and process our pain. As a friend or loved one to someone grieving, you play a significant role in their healing. If you’re grieving or know someone who could use additional support, don’t hesitate to reach out for a free consultation here.
