How to Make a Hard Decision

Strategies from a therapist on decision-making when you feel totally torn between two things.

Hard decisions usually arise when we are faced with making a choice between two really good things or two really difficult things. Decisions are easy when there’s an obvious choice. So how does one go about making a choice that they feel okay with?

First, identify your values.

Decisions that sit well with us are those that align with what is most important to us. The dread that you feel when you wake up to go to work might be indicating that your job is really stressful, or it might be pointing to the dissonance between what matters to you in life and how you’re spending your time. When you know what you value most, you’re able to confidently take the leap towards what fits best.

Examples of values:

• Community

• Contribution

• Connection

• Adventure

• Creativity

• Courage

• Respect

• Loyalty

• Humility

• Challenge

• Growth

• Stability

• Belonging

• Sustainability

• Simplicity

• Altruism

• Aesthetic

• Freedom

• Teamwork

The list goes on! A quick Google search could point you towards many lists of values. Nailing down your top five will help guide your decisions. When you’ve found your top five, consider how each option in your hard decision fits or is a misfit with your values.

Second, explore all possible options and outcomes.

When making a decision, we often narrow ourselves into just two options: stay or leave, quit or continue, buy or sell, expand or shrink. It can helpful to identify at least a third option in the mix, if not many more. For example, if you’re thinking of changing jobs, you might consider all your options as such:

• Stay in my current job

• Leave my current job

• Drop down to part-time hours

• Negotiate a higher-pay in my current job

• Negotiate my hours in my current job

• Switch into a new role in my current company

• Change something about my current responsibilities at work

What once felt like only two options is now expanded into many more. But which one do you choose? The next step is to consider all of the possible outcomes from each option and consider the likelihood of that outcome (which is subjective, based on your discernment of the situation). For example:

• Stay in my current job: outcomes could be

  • I continue to feel unappreciated and end up burnt out - Likelihood: 70%

  • I continue to feel unappreciated but decide it’s okay because this job is a means to an end right now - Likelihood: 60%

  • I make peace with being in this job for the next six months - Likelihood: 60%

  • The company might make changes on it’s own and I end up liking it - Likelihood: 20%

• Leave my current job: outcomes could be

  • I find another job that is just as frustrating - Likelihood: 40%

  • I find another job I love - Likelihood: 50%

  • I am without a job for 3 months - Likelihood: 50%

  • I find another job that is worse - Likelihood: 20%

You want to exhaust this exploration and then discern which outcome seems mostly likely and aligned with what matters most to you.

Third, make a decision and then reflect.

Sometimes we simply won’t know what’s best until we step into it. This is the hard part of decision-making. You can only know what appears to be the next best step. This is an exercise of self-trust and self-compassion.

For a lot of people, the hardest part of decision-making is the fear of regret. Remind yourself that regret means learning. Regret is the gift of discerning what our true values are. The only problem with regret is the belief that we shouldn’t have it. It is normal to grow in life and when we grow, we have regrets. Allow yourself room to be human, room to have regrets, room to make decisions, and room to learn.

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If you’re facing a difficult decision, whether that’s to switch careers or make a change in your relationship, and wanting some support as you navigate it, reach out for a free 15-minute consultation to see if therapy for life transition from a trauma-informed therapist might be a good fit.