How to Make Friends as an Adult

In a digital age, where there’s so much semblance of connection over social media, how do you make adult friendships that actually feel meaningful?

Gallup News reports that 17% of adults feel lonely. So if you’re feeling as though your social connections aren’t quite cutting it, know that you’re not the only one. It’s likely that as you go to work, exercise, grab a meal, do errands, or walk your dog, you’re rubbing shoulders with someone else who’s also longing for meaningful connection.

Part of the challenge of making friends as an adult is that it takes much more effort and intention than it did in youth. Growing up through grade school, there are so many regular avenues of face-to-face connection with the same group of people - friendships happen more naturally. As an adult, these structures of face-to-face connection grow fewer and far between, require additional effort, or have added complexity.

As an adult, you go to work and are likely around the same people, so you might think that making friends at work is the replacement for making friends in school, but when there are professionalism standards or boundaries between work and personal life, making friends at work can quickly become complex. Add to that the fact that many people work remotely, and you quickly realize that friendships don’t happen without intention.

Knowing that you’re not alone and that it is harder to make friends as an adult, here are three invitations for you to try on.

First, find a hobby.

When looking for a friend, you’re more likely to enjoy them if you enjoy the same activities or enjoy something in their personality or values. Hobbies are a great way to find common ground with someone without needing to drill them with interview questions.

What hobbies should you try? Consider these options:

• Find a physical activity hobby:

  • Hiking

  • Biking

  • Rock-climbing

  • Running/walking groups

  • Gym

  • Yoga studio

  • Dance studio

• Find an artistic hobby:

  • Pottery class

  • Painting class

  • Creating writing class

  • Book club

  • Cooking class

  • Museum events

• Find a cause that matters to you:

  • Volunteer at a homeless shelter

  • Volunteer at an animal shelter

  • Volunteer at your child’s school

  • Volunteer at political events/rallies

  • Volunteer within your faith community

• Find local career-related groups:

  • Join your local chamber of commerce

  • Find boards within your industry to join

There are numerous options for meeting new people. It’s ideal to pick an activity that you already enjoy so that you feel in-your-zone while making new connections. This serves as a great launching point of relatability.

Second, commit to regularity.

It’s hard to make a new connection when you’ve only interacted for 15 minutes. It can also feel like a lot of pressure to base a new friendship off of just one really long interaction. Consider committing to activities that you can attend regularly at the same time so that you have a better chance of having multiple interactions with individuals. This regular interaction helps to build trust and creates consistency which is important for relationships (friendships or otherwise).

Showing up regularly might mean that you go to the same coffee shop at the same time each week. Or perhaps it means you take a consistent route when walking your dog and pay attention to whoever might also be doing the same. Rather than dismissing others who are present, consider taking notice of them and introduce yourself - it might just be an opportunity for connection.

Showing up regularly might mean signing up for a scheduled activity like a class or course and being consistent with it all the way through.

Third, take initiative.

It’s not enough to just show up. You’ll need to take initiative to create meaningful connections. This might mean striking up a conversation when it otherwise wouldn’t happen. It might mean asking more thoughtful questions that inspire a more meaningful conversation. Perhaps you take initiative by asking someone to coffee, inviting them to work remote with you from a coffee shop, planning a game night, or offering to help them in some way.

Here are some non-weird questions to ask a new-ish friend:

• So tell me about your family. Are you close to them?

• How did you decide to be a (insert career here)?

• Have you ever considered living anywhere else?

• How’s work been for you lately?

• What kind of things do you enjoy doing in your free time?

If these suggestions feel intimidating, not to worry. This is a muscle you can grow - it’s one that’s not forced to be flexed as much in a social media world where all you have to do to check in on a friend is watch their story or visit their page. It’s far to easy to feel like we know our friends without putting in effort. So when friendship takes effort, have grace on yourself and allow it to take time.

A note on self-worth.

Sometimes the hardest part of friendship is believing that we’re worthy of it. I believe that when you feel at home within yourself, knowing your worth and not needing to compensate with inauthentic grandiosity or shrink back in isolation, you’ll find genuine connections. If you feel stuck and unsatisfied in friendships, consider reflecting inwards and assessing if you truly feel at peace with the person you are, or if there are parts of you that you have a hard time accepting.

Therapy can be a helpful place to explore hindrances to self-confidence and meaningful social connection. Reach out today to schedule a free intro call to see if therapy with me is a good fit.