What is an “Inner Child?”

If you’ve been in the self-help, therapy space for a while, you might have come across the term “inner child.” Perhaps you’re wondering what is meant by an “inner child.” Is there actually another being in our inner psyche? How would one know if they have an inner child?

What is an inner child and why does it matter?

An inner child is a concept that helps to depict what happens within one’s psyche when trauma is experienced early on in life. It’s nearly impossible to grow up unscathed - part of being human is accepting the reality that pain is inevitable. When that pain isn’t attended to, there is a part of us that holds that experience. Because our brains are built to operate efficiently, we hold on to the memory of past pain so as to avoid it happening again. When a present-day experience triggers the memory of a past pain, we might find ourselves responding to the present from this inner child that first experienced that pain.

As you can imagine, a child responding to an adult-situation may not lead to a desired result. This might look like a grown adult responding to conflict with name-calling. It might look like a grown adult responding to a parent’s emotional distress with “good behavior” out of a place of people-pleasing. There are a variety of ways that our younger self learned to cope with pain. When that pain is left unhealed, we often respond in the same way we did back when the pain started.

What do you do with your inner child?

Attending to your inner child might start with first noticing when and how your inner child shows up. An exercise to start this might look like taking an inventory on your day, noticing moments of emotional activation and how you navigated the activation. You might get curious about how old you felt in those experiences, and identify if that activation feels similar to experiences in your past.

If you recognize that a present-day experience is tied to past experiences from childhood and that there’s pain that’s been unattended to or healed, that might be an indication that you have an inner child that has a need that’s not being met.

How do you connect with an inner child?

When connecting with your inner child parts, you will want to start with a posture of compassion and curiosity. No one wants to befriend a judgmental critic, so in the same way, you must be someone that your inner child would want to connect with. If you struggle with self-compassion, start there. There are a myriad of self-compassion exercises and resources on Dr. Kristen Neff’s website https://self-compassion.org/.

If you have the capacity for compassion, believing that any inner child part you meet is inherently good (even if that part’s behaviors are less than ideal), then lean in toward curiosity. As you would get to know a young friend who was hurting, begin exploring the experience of your inner child. Get curious about how they experienced life from their lens.

How do you help an inner child heal?

When you feel as though you understand the pain that this inner child is holding, and that this inner child part feels understood, work towards expressing validation to that part. Emotions make sense in the context of the person experiencing them.

When validation is expressed and felt, consider identifying the core need that this inner child holds. Perhaps in the experience of people-pleasing, the inner child needs to feel accepted, worthy, and enough. Or perhaps that inner child needs to feel safe, seen and supported. Express the goodness of the part’s deep desire and need. Then discern how adult you can meet the need for that younger child part.

Meeting their need will be unique to what the need is and it may be a practical need or more of an emotional need. For example, with a inner child wounded by the need to be perfect to appease parents, the inner child might be needing new boundaries with parents now as an adult. Or perhaps that inner child needs reassurance from you as the adult that the child is enough, worthy, and loveable - this reassurance may be offered in a meditative sense, imagining that you could have a conversation or interaction with the child that would convey this message.

Sometimes there is a need for shared grieving. This younger self experienced pain that might have been overlooked, denied or dismissed. It can be immensely powerful to acknowledge the significance of the pain and grieve the experience of childhood. For more on grieving your childhood, read this blog.

Often times our needs are not a one-and-done situation. As plants need regular watering, so do our relationships - both externally and internally. Consider ways that you can attend to your inner child(ren) as you become aware of them. Some practice regularly checking in with themselves through a meditative or journaling practice. Others implement practical strategies that show an ongoing acknowledgement and connection to the inner child part, such as prioritizing new boundaries.

———

While it can be bizarre to think about the presence of multiple beings within yourself, it can be a transformative practice for self-connection. Afterall, the most important relationship you will cultivate is the one you have within yourself. If you don’t have a template for healthy relational connection, because perhaps it wasn’t modeled to you, it can be helpful to start this work alongside a therapist who is trauma-informed and adept at guiding you back to yourself. Reach out today for a free 15-minute phone call to determine if we’re a good fit!