Is It Them or Is It Me?

Four questions to ask yourself if you’re wondering if you’re the problem in your relationship.

Who’s at fault when relationships go awry? Perhaps you’ve sat in despair and frustration after yet another argument about the same ol’ dynamic. You’re wondering, Am I the problem? Or is it them? You're questioning if you should stay in the relationship or leave and it feels like the answer to who’s at fault would make that decision easier. If they’re the problem, I can’t control that, so I should probably leave. But if I’m the problem, I should probably work on myself and stay. We can see how the answer to “Is it them or me?” holds a lot of weight.

However, we might be asking the wrong question here altogether.

Relationships are co-created. Inherent in that, is the implication that both parties participate in creating and sustaining the dynamics at play. Both parties have a role. Given that reality, here are some questions that may elicit a more helpful exploration.

Question 1: What is the dynamic we’ve created?

We have to know where we’re at in order to discern where we want to go. So first, practice a mindful awareness of what dynamic is currently at play in your relationship.

When you observe your relationship, from an outsider perspective, what do you see? How do you interact? What are the rules and roles of relationship? Do you have a dynamic where conflict is approached spontaneously, is it avoided, is it scheduled? Are amends made?

There are no right or wrongs here, it’s simply an observation of where you’re at.

You might observe that your dynamic involves a pattern of emotions being shared in an aggressive way. Perhaps the pattern is that aggression is met with more aggression or passivity, or maybe avoidance and appeasing.

You might follow up with identifying what you like about your dynamic as it is currently. You might also note what you don’t like about what you’ve created. For example, you might like that you both highly prioritize fun together and easily incorporate it into your weekly routine. However, you might not like that when feelings are hurt, they’re met with defensiveness or dismissal. This points your awareness to what you want to keep with what you’ve created and what you want to change.

Question 2: What is my role in our existing dynamic?

When it comes to conflict in relationships, one person is more of the pursuer and the other is the withdrawer. There is one individual who would rather talk things out right away and get to a resolved place, so they pursue conversation about things that bother them and have a hard time tabling things when their partner isn’t ready. The other partner tends to withdraw and needs space to process and develop readiness for resolving conflict. At times the withdrawer might neglect returning to conflict altogether. This creates a challenging dynamic because what both partners need and want are opposing. That opposition creates tension that rises the more the pursuer chases, and the more the withdrawer shuts down.

Examining your role involves exploring how you create the problem and uncovering what it is you actually need. Let’s take the dynamic of hurt feelings being met with defensiveness. Perhaps you’re the partner who more frequently is the one sharing hurt feelings. Examining your role might look like exploring, “How does my expression of hurt contribute to my partner feeling the need to withdraw, deflect, or defend?” Often the delivery of the message of hurt may activate the other partner’s vulnerabilities, so they respond with defense.

You’ll have to check out these guesses with your partner to discern if it’s true that your delivery of hurt feelings triggers their sense of needing to protect themselves.

Understanding your dynamic requires empathy - stepping into the other person’s shoes and imagining what it’s like to be them in the relationship. It’s true that each person operates from their own lens, so your partner might perceive things in a vastly different way from you. That doesn’t mean your perspective is wrong. It also doesn’t mean that their perspective is wrong. If you want to understand your dynamic, you have to be willing to see what they see, with empathy.

Question 3: What do I need in order to do my role differently?

Here we explore what’s needed in order to create change. In the example of hurt feelings being met with defensiveness, the partner sharing the hurt feelings might identify that something about how they’re sharing their hurt contributes to their partner’s defensiveness, which might mean they are sharing their hurt in a way that feels feels emotionally unsafe to their partner.

Consider the question “What do I need in order to be able to convey my hurt in a way that feels emotionally safe to my partner?” Here are some suggestions about what you might need:

• You might need to offer yourself some emotional validation, grounding, and comfort before bringing it to your partner.

• You might need to help your body get to a regulated, calm state first so that you can express the hurt with vulnerability and not aggression.

• You might need to check in with your partner to assess if they’re emotionally available to be tender towards your hurt.

• You might need to first identify what need your hurt feeling is conveying so that you can ask for it directly from your partner, giving them the best chance at actually being a supportive presence for you.

Let’s consider the other side. If you’re the partner that tends to meet your partner’s feedback with defensiveness, you may benefit from exploring what that’s about for you. Often when we’re defensive it is because we’re feeling attacked or there’s something we’re needing to protect. Your need might be for self-compassion, compassion from your partner, or reassurance from your partner. For example,

• You might need to ask your partner to reframe what they just shared in a more gentle or generous tone.

• You might need to take a break and self-soothe with emotional validation and grounding.

• You might feel caught off-guard and need communicate if you’re in the right space to be available for your partner in that moment, or if perhaps you need to table the conversation and schedule it within the next 24 hours.

• You might need to identify what it is you’re protecting and communicate the vulnerability that’s there.

• You might need to ask your partner to reassure you that they do see the good in you and that you’re on the same team.

• You might need to remind yourself that you don’t have to be perfect and that receiving feedback isn’t a sign a failure or deficiency but is a normal (although admittedly difficult) part of being a human in relationship.

Question 4: What do we want to create?

Part of re-working a couple dynamic is identifying what it is you’re actually wanting to create. This is going to be unique to each couple, based on their values. Some couples highly prioritize their independence and therefore create a dynamic in which there’s significant separateness - in finances, sharing of emotions, and decision-making. Other couples want to create a dynamic in which more is shared which might mean that there are different expectations.

In your couple dynamic, you might explore what it is you both think of as an ideal partnership and consider if you’re aligned on what it is you’re wanting to create. If you are aligned on what you want, but you’re not there in your existing dynamic, you’ll want to consider if you both feel aware about what your roles are and how you can shift them. If you’re not aligned on what you want to create, you’ll have to consider if this is an area of negotiation where you can accept and adapt to each other’s differences.

———

If it feels unclear or difficult to identify your role and what you need to shift your role, you might consider options for support. Some couples find that reading helps to provide insight that promotes new awareness and change. Other couples find it most supportive to do this work in therapy with a third party who can offer insight as well as facilitate experiences where new dynamics can be practiced.

Others find that doing solo work individually with a therapist is what supports them in uncovering their role and their needs. If you’re looking for a therapist to help you explore your attachment patterns and roles in relationship, particularly if you sense that past painful experiences contribute to the challenges in your current relationship, reach out today for a free phone call consultation!