Three things emotions are and three things emotions are not.

Part one address three things emotions are and here we address three things emotions are not.

For a quick recap, three things emotions are:

• Emotions are universal

• Emotions are a signal

• Emotions are healthy

The topic of emotion is wrought with a lot of opinion because what we feel is largely subjective. However, research does point to some facts about emotion that help us to understand how to navigate that part of life. Here are three things emotions are not:

1. Emotions are not universally interpreted and valued the same

Based on culture, two individuals will interpret emotions and value their emotions in different ways.

Shame, for example, is experienced in light of cultural values. A culture that is collectivist in nature will experience shame in a particular way that differs from those in an individualistic culture.

Our life experience (particularly our upbringing) shapes the way we perceive emotion. In some family systems, emotions are perceived as weakness. Therefore, the value given to emotional expression is different from a family system in which expressing emotion is both safe and celebrated.

Culture and values will shape what is praised and desirable. As such, how emotion is displayed and interacted with will depend on values.

So while emotion is a universal experience (no human lacks emotion) the interpretation and expression of said emotions will likely vary based upon individual and cultural factors. This is an important reality because if we’ve grown up judging certain emotions as inappropriate, we can learn to interpret and value the emotion in a new way so that we can process it differently.

For example, if you learned that expressing the emotion of anger meant that you were bad, you will have a hard time grappling with the emotion of anger as an adult. Because anger is a universal emotion, we all have to learn how to appropriately navigate the emotion. As an adult, if you can reshape your judgement of anger to see it more neutrally, you can learn how to honor your anger, understand the meaning and need behind the anger, and then act in accordance with your needs and values.

2. Emotions are not the whole story

Have you ever heard it said, “Feelings are not facts”? This is partly true. Your feelings are are valid, true and accurate according to your perception. However, our perception can be limited and sometimes doesn’t convey the whole story.

Let me explain further: emotions are one “Center of Intelligence,” if you will, amongst many “Centers of Intelligence” that are part of being human. Our bodies are another Center of Intelligence. Our minds are another Center of Intelligence. When we can see our emotions as a piece of information that contributes to a story of the whole picture, we can relate differently with emotion.

Everyone has a perception of the world that is unique to their past experience, their present awareness, and their future hopes. As we’re going through life, our brain makes sense of the world through stories. The stories we make up shape our perception. Therefore, when we experience an emotion, our brain makes sense of that information by making an interpretation that fits with the narrative of our life.

Because we’re all unique, there are over 7 billion of narratives and perspectives being experienced at once. Our perspective is just one of them. Perception will shape how we feel and how we feel will shape our perception.

Imagine, for example, that you were in conflict with colleague. You work to resolve the issue and it concludes with an email stating nothing other than “Thanks.” Some will interpret this as the situation being resolved because they perceive their colleague as having positive intent and a message of “Thanks” fits with appropriate etiquette in their perception. This person will likely feel content and at ease. On the other hand, another individual may perceive “Thanks” as passive-aggressive according to their perception of the colleague’s intentions and beliefs about etiquette. This individual will likely feel unsettled or on-edge as a result of receiving that message.

Perception shapes emotion.

This doesn’t mean our perception is wrong or that our emotion is wrong. It simply means our emotions are shaped by our perception and therefore it’s worth investigating with discernment. A few questions to help with discerning emotion and perception include:

What is the story I’m telling myself about this situation? What does this situation say about me? What is the meaning I’m making about this experience? Are there any assumptions I’m making that may not be true to reality, but instead influenced by my past and my core beliefs about myself and the world?

If you’re struggling with difficult emotions in a relationship, consider checking in on what story you’re believing about the situation. If it’s an emotionally safe relationship, consider checking out your perception with the other person to determine if your interpretation is accurate.

3. Emotions are not eternal

Did you know that it’s actually impossible for a feeling to last forever? This will either be really great news or really sad news. When we have a positive emotion, we want to hold onto it and believe that it will last forever. When we experience an unpleasant emotion we can hardly wait for it to pass.

Fortunately or unfortunately, emotional states are limited. Neuroscience has actually demonstrated that the physiological (bodily) experience of emotion only lasts 90 seconds (see research by Jill Bolte-Taylor).

This may sound totally untrue to you as you think about recent emotions that have stuck around for longer than an hour, or days even. What’s happening here is that your body is having the physical experience of an emotion and then your mind is making an interpretation of meaning from that emotion, weaving it into the story you tell about yourself and the world, which may then be spurring on additional emotions that you feel “stuck” on.

The thing that is lasting is actually the narrative you’re living in that is interacting with your emotions.

So what do we do about it?

When we can practice a mindful awareness of emotion by getting some distance from the emotion, we can observe the physiological impact of the emotion without judging it or attaching meaning to it. In this process, we can mindfully observe our mind’s urge to attach certain meanings to the feeling. Then we can explore the meanings with curiosity and find the root.

Here’s an example: Let’s say you’re an entrepreneur and your business inquiries are trending down. You begin to feel your body slow down, an inertia, your face begins to droop, and you mindfully identify this as the emotion of disappointment. You take a deep breath and let the physiological response move through your body.

If your mind begins to jump toward judgment (I shouldn’t be feeling this way) or attaching meaning (I’m a failure), then you’re likely going to continue to experience emotions that make you feel as if you’re “stuck” on an emotion, but in actuality, it is your mind trying to make meaning of the emotion that is fueling subsequent emotions.

We can begin to shift our experience of emotion by practicing mindful, non-judgmental, compassionate curiosity rather than criticism, fear, or judgement.

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Therapy can be a helpful next step in learning how to address emotions differently. Often this process starts with relating to emotions with compassion and then becoming curious about the narratives we make up about ourselves and the world. We often inherited these narratives from early life experiences that first shaped our perception of ourselves and our place in the world.

For more on emotions, read the next blog on Are Some Emotions “Bad”?"