How Mommy Issues Affect Friendships
Have you ever wondered why some women struggle to make friendships, particularly female friendships? Maybe you feel like you’re one of those women. As much as you want to feel close and connected to other women, something always stands in the way.
Reasons You Struggle in Female Friendships
Perhaps it’s a lack of time or opportunity - maybe you’re managing a household, raising little ones, working, and trying to stay connected in your marriage. It feels like there’s little time or energy left to dedicate to what we perceive as a non-necessary relationship.
Maybe when you engage with other women, you feel judged, so you are guarded and leave feeling like it was a “meh” experience not worth investing in. Or maybe it’s that being around other women sparks a jealousy that you feel so guilty for having, but just can’t shake. For some of us, it feels like we’re the ones doing all the work to reach out, plan get-togethers, remember birthdays, and be intentional - at some point we ask ourselves, does anyone care about me like I care about them?
In a bit of hopelessness, we resolve to focus our energies on work, the family, or other hobbies. Maybe you chalk it up to the stereotype of women being competitive, catty people who aren’t worth your time. You tell yourself you don’t need close relationships and carry on, busying yourself with other things.
Perhaps it doesn’t have to be that way! Maybe there’s something deeper going on, rooted in childhood experiences with your mom that shaped the way you view yourself and other women.
As a trauma-informed therapist, I’m always asking this question:
How does the present-day issue connect with the past and inform our assumptions about the future?
So how do you know if you have mommy issues in the first place?
Here are a few signs that you may have mommy issues:
You struggle to trust other women.
You seek approval constantly.
You fear others will abandon you.
You often doubt yourself.
You worry that you depend on others a bit too much, like for emotional support and making decisions.
You have a hard time setting boundaries - either you frequently cut others off or you don’t set boundaries at all and feel a lot of guilt when you do.
You wouldn’t call yourself this, but you’re a perfectionist.
You’re attracted to unhealthy relationships, romantically or in friendships. It feels like a magnetic pull that you’re not consciously trying to create.
You avoid intimacy and get uncomfortable when others compliment you or express affection.
You have a pattern of relationship issues.
Your mommy issues likely have some degree of influence on all of your relationships, but especially your female relationships.
The Science Behind Mommy Issues
When you’re born, your brain is not fully developed - it actually isn’t fully developed until you’re 25! As an infant, your brain’s sole focus is on survival and trust. The way we survive as humans is through connection to other safe people - this is called attachment. As a baby, Mom serves as your source of safety in the world. If she is consistent in her care toward you, you learn that the world is generally a safe place where your needs are met. This develops within you a secure attachment. If your mom is inconsistent with her care, your young nervous system learns to distrust the world and prepare for your needs to go unmet. This creates within you an insecure attachment. Your attachment system is what leads you in adulthood to generally trust others and get close, or generally distrust others and pull away or fixate on threats.
What Anxious Attachment Looks Like
Some people prepare for needs to go unmet by being hyper-aware of those around them, subconsciously scanning for cues of threat. In adulthood, this looks like women are who are anxious over-thinking people-pleasers who need lots of closeness in relationship involving affirmation and reassurance. On a subconscious level, the rationale is “If I can keep others close, I won’t ever experience the pain of abandonment.”
Maybe these signs resonate:
you get stressed when a friend or partner takes longer than usual to respond to a text
you feel jealous when your friend or partner spends time with someone else or expresses admiration for them
you read into things your friend or partner does
you frequently ask, “Do you like me?”
you sometimes start fights that deep down you realize aren’t as significant as you’re making them
you have a pattern of being the “helper” and “giver” in a relationship and often find yourself feeling like others don’t initiate or reciprocate like you do
What Avoidant Attachment Looks Like
Other people prepare for needs to go unmet by distancing themselves from their own feelings. When a child has a need that’s getting overlooked, they learn that their crying isn’t accomplishing anything and instead resort to numbing themselves from that feeling. In adulthood, this could look like feelings of apathy and being guarded and withdrawn in relationships. On a subconscious level, the rationale is, “If I can keep others at a distance, I won’t feel the pain of their rejection when I have needs and they’re unmet.”
Perhaps these signs resonate:
you struggle to commit to relationships
you often feel like others are needy
you worry about settling and if there’s someone better out there for you
you can go a long time without reaching out to friends and it doesn’t bother you
you get annoyed when someone wants to text all day
you have an ex that you worry you won’t ever get over
Your Mom’s Influence on Friendships
Our mother’s care for us significantly shapes how our nervous system (brain and body) automates our response to threats - including social threats of intimacy and distance. Mothers also create a template with which we learn to see others. If Mom is safe, caring, interested, and available, we assume others will be as well. If Mom is cold, angry, and disinterested, we assume others will be that way as well.
The complex challenge with mother relationships is that even if your mom is emotionally unhealthy or unavailable, you need her for survival. As a young kiddo, you had to learn how to stay connected to Mom despite the pain created in that relationship. Additionally, because our brains aren’t done developing until age 25, a young child will not be able to perceive the meaning of the relationship with Mom as anything other than “It must be my fault; I’m the problem.”
Later in life, we may have new experiences that shape our awareness and help us make new meaning of childhood experiences into something more helpful and accurate like, “I deserve care, I’m loveable and enough.” Through that healing, we can come to understand that Mom’s lack of emotional availability was due to her own shortcomings (likely, her own trauma), not ours. This perspective helps us to see that we can choose who to trust and we’re not inherently problematic or broken.
Healing mother wounds in order to feel more connected in friendships looks like learning to cultivate a maternal nature toward yourself and others - this can be hard when you didn’t have that modeled to you. A great practice to start with is self-compassion. Stay tuned for my next blog, all about cultivating the practice of self-compassion for inner healing.
———
Transformation can happen, but it requires that we acknowledge and heal the pain of the past. This often done in the context of a trauma-informed therapy. I specialize in working with adults who want to heal the pain of the past in order to engage more meaningfully in relationships in the present. Reach out today for a free consultation call to see if I’m a good fit!
