Your emotions, big or small, are sending you a message about how you’re experiencing the world, and it’s important that we learn how to tune in so that we can assess what to do with them.

How do you know you’re having a big emotion?

Emotions communicate with us through our thoughts and sensations. You might notice a thought passing through your mind that sounds like, “I cannot believe he just said that!” which might convey that you’re feeling attacked, surprised, confused, hurt, annoyed or a variety of other emotions. Here are additional examples of thoughts and the emotions they might be communicating for:

• “I suck” - Shame, Defeat, Rejection

• “She’ll never change” - Defeat, Hopelessness

• “I bet they think poorly of me” - Anxiety, Shame

• “I’d rather be anywhere else” - Dread, Anger, Sadness

• “What if…” - Anxiety, Nervousness, Uncertain

Beyond your thoughts, you might notice body sensations that signal an emotional reaction. You may notice a sinking feeling in your gut that communicates the emotion of dread, guilt, sadness, or a variety of other emotions. Additional examples of body sensations that may be communicating an emotion are:

• Headaches

• Stomachaches

• Tension in the chest

• Pressure in the chest

• Lump in the throat

• Burning sensation in the solar plex

• Sweating

• Temperature change

• Dizziness/light-headed

• Welling up of tears

• Clenching in the fists/other areas of the body

• Urge to run

Only you get to discern the label of your emotions and the meaning they hold. In developing emotional intelligence and attuning to yourself, you’ll find that practices of mindfulness are incredibly helpful.

What is mindfulness?

Mindfulness involves a nonjudgmental, un-attached observation of the thoughts that pass through our minds and sensations that pass through our bodies. Simply put, mindfulness could look like going about your day and internally noting “I just had the thought that…”, or “I just noticed my heart beating faster than it had been.” Mindfulness can also be an intentional practice held for a period of time from a minute to an hour. Yoga can be done as a practice of mindful movement - skilled instructors cue students to notice their thoughts, emotions, and body sensations throughout the class. One does not need to go far to practice mindfulness. There are guided sessions on apps like Calm and Headspace.

Mindfulness does not take long to practice, as it’s a moment-by-moment observation, however, what can take time is learning to not jump to judgement or attach meaning immediately when we observe a thought or feeling.

Sit with it

Once we’ve noticed that we’re feeling something, if we have the time to explore it, it can be valuable to take some time aside to be with the emotion. With uncomfortable emotions, we naturally want to get rid of them to feel better. However, in a practice of self-attunement, we want to actually sit in the feeling and let ourselves feel it.

Once we’re feeling it, it’s helpful to put a label to the emotion. Many people find quick Google search of “Feelings Wheel” helpful in identifying specific language for feelings. Labeling the feeling is helpful as it gives us an understanding of how our experience is impacting us.

Identify the message and the need

With the feeling named, we can then explore the message. For example, the emotion of sadness may be communicating that something is missed or there is an absence of something desired. Anxiety might be suggesting that there is potential threat. Fear may convey there is actual threat. Anger may convey that we feel unsafe, a boundary has been cross, or a need is unmet. Sitting with our feelings (actually noticing the sensation of the emotion without trying to make it go away) can help us to discern the message.

Often there is a need that our emotions are conveying. With attunement, we can explore what that might be. For example, grief may convey a need for comfort, overwhelm may convey a need for relief, confusion may convey the need for clarity, hopelessness may convey the need for inspiration, loneliness may convey the need for connection.

When we’ve identified the need we can then discern how to meet the need - is it something I can offer myself or do I need to ask for support from someone else? There are times when we can meet our own needs. For example, if one is anxious, they might offer themselves inner acceptance and reassurance through self-validation and caring for their physical sensations of anxiety with deep breaths, self-massage, a cold drink of water, or enjoying a pleasing scent. Other times, we need someone outside of us to help meet our need. As in the experience of shame, we often feel like hiding, but likely need safe connection which may be found in a trusted friend or partner.

Practice containment

Sometimes our big emotions come at unexpected times. It can feel overwhelming, even defeating. When we’re practiced in noticing our feelings and attending to them with compassion, we can also practice containing our emotions. For example, if someone is in the midst of a work event that they cannot stop to attend to a big emotion, they may need to internally acknowledge, “I have a strong reaction to this…I will return to this feeling when this event is over and I can give it my full attention.”

The importance of compassion

It’s important to note that we often get stuck in our emotions when one of two things is happening:

1. The emotion is associated with an unresolved past hurt or trauma that hasn’t been attended to

2. We’re judging ourselves for having the emotion

If you’re experiencing the former, read through my post on attending to your inner child and if you’re ready, reach out to get started on healing past trauma.

If you’re experiencing the latter, your internalized judgement will make it difficult for you to get to the root of your emotions. If a friend were to judge you for what you shared with them, you’d likely stop sharing - same is true for your internal world. The antidote to judgement is compassion. You can find plenty of free resources (guided meditations, exercises, and journaling activities) on this website for cultivating self-compassion.

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Your feelings matter.