As we navigate life, inevitably, we experience pain. It’s a reality we cannot escape or deny. The sad consequence is that when we experience pain that overwhelms our ability to cope, part of us fragments off and gets stuck in the pain of the past.

In therapy, this can be conceptualized as having an “inner child” that is holding a wound from the past, who didn’t get what they needed in their moment of pain. The good news is that this inner child does not have to remain in that pain - as an adult you can meet that inner child with the resources they needed way back when.

Healing can occur when we meet the needs that have gone unmet for so long. But how do we meet those needs?

First, Identify the Inner Child

It’s important to identify the wounding of the particular inner child you’re noticing. Here’s an example: you might notice an inner child being activated when you’re left out of a workplace happy hour. Sure, adult-you knows that you didn’t want to hang out with them anyways, but part of you feels devastated that you weren’t thought of.

As you connect with this activation in your body, you recognize that a past experience of being forgotten surfaces. In this memory you’re grade-school aged. While you may not pinpoint the exact memory, you get a general sense of the feeling of rejection, you notice tears beginning to well up behind your eyes, perhaps some pressure in your chest, or a sense of heaviness that takes over.

You’ve identified a little you that is holding the pain of feeling that they don’t matter. You notice that this younger you needed to know and feel that they were important. As you’re navigating re-parenting this inner child, you might find creative ways to help that younger you feel important.

Here are three ways you might go about connecting with your inner child.

1. Do a Child-Like Activity

If the inner child you’re connecting with is five years old, consider an activity that a five year old would enjoy - that five year old you enjoyed - and do that activity. As you’re doing the activity, allow yourself to experience the delight and joy in the activity. Notice what it is like to give yourself this experience. Notice what it is like to prioritize delight and joy. Imagine that five-year-old you actually got to be with you, as another being in the experience: what is younger you’s expression? Notice what you’re feeling in your body. Pay attention and allow any emotion to surface. Allow your full attention to be in that moment.

2. Gaze at a Photo of Younger You

Dig into the archives and locate a photo of younger you, around the same age as the inner child you’re sensing a connection to. If you’ve identified the inner child you’re connecting to is around age 10, find a photo that represents that time in your life. Spend some time studying the photo. Notice what younger you looked like. Notice their countenance, notice their posture. See if you can get a sense for what mood or emotion this younger you was feeling in the moment the photo was captured.

Notice what you feel towards this younger you and allow yourself to feel compassion, delight, awe, desire, and longing. Pay attention to how those emotions feel in your body and allow yourself to feel them. Imagine that the younger you in the photo could see your loving gaze looking at them. Imagine what younger you would’ve felt seeing your full attention, kindly directed toward them. Linger in the moment, paying special attention to what you’re feeling in your body, being nonjudgmental of whatever surfaces.

3. Imagine Having a Conversation

Get comfortable, sitting or lying down. Imagine your younger self in a scene that represents the pain they experienced. Imagine that time goes on pause, everything else fades away except adult you and younger you. Imagine approaching this young you and having a conversation with them. Your conversation might start with noticing the emotion of younger you. Adult you might convey loving presence by gently kneeling down to eye-level with kid you. Perhaps you begin to engage your inner child with curiosity about what they’re feeling, thinking, and wanting in this moment.

Imagine offering that little you compassion and validation, letting them know it’s okay for them to feel and that their feelings matter. As you linger in conversation, get curious about how you might meet the need of this younger you. The need may be for affirmation. The need may be an experience this young you wants to have imaginatively or in real life. Consider ways that you can meet the need. Continue offering a supportive presence. When the conversation feels complete, offer your gratitude towards this younger part and the willingness to connect.

Why We do This

Insight is not enough for change. Our brains change with experience, and particularly in relational experiences. We are hurt in the context of relationship and as such we heal in the context of relationship. Therefore, the relationship you have with yourself is of paramount importance to the integration of your being. Inner child connection is one way to create an experience of healing relationship to yourself. This work can be navigated with the support of a clinician who knows your story and can help guide the connection based on your therapeutic goals. If you’re ready to dive in, reach out here today!