Boundaries are a big topic within the realm of relationships. They are what communicates the lines between two people and how they will relate. Sometimes our boundaries end up harming our relationships because we get them wrong or have a misconception about their purpose.

Here are three boundary myths:

Boundaries tell others what to do in relationship with me

I commonly share with clients that boundaries tell others how to be in relationship with you. However, boundaries do not demand from other person. Boundaries do not tell the other person what to do. Instead, boundaries tell the other person what you will do in relation to the other person.

Let’s flesh this out. Perhaps we imagine that you are unsatisfied with how you and your partner handle conflict. You notice that your partner often gets escalated in conflict. Your wish is for your partner to be able to calmly express themselves. Your boundary is that you will pause the conversation and leave the room if your partner starts yelling.

Another example might be that your partner interacts with someone to a degree of intimacy that makes you feel uncomfortable. Your wish is for them to not interact in that manner. Your boundary is that you will leave the relationship if they’re unwilling to adjust the way they relate to the other person.

Boundaries are not demands of the other person, they are limits that you have in relationship. Boundaries are healthiest when they are thoughtfully aligned with what you value, not used as a manipulative means to try to get the other person to do and act as you wish. Therefore, you must carefully consider if you’re actually willing to follow-through on your boundary if it’s crossed. Your boundaries will hold no weight if they don’t have consequences that you’re willing to follow through on.

Boundaries are mean

When done thoughtfully, boundaries convey a way to remain in relationship. When hurtful behaviors are extreme in relationship, a boundary might actually mean an end to the connection (as in the example above). However, when the hurtful behavior is not severe by your assessment, your boundary is actually a way for you to still be in relationship. It’s when you don’t have boundaries and someone continues to harm you, that you lose your ability to tolerate the relationship and wind up growing distant.

For example, let’s say you’re single and you sort of want a relationship but you’re not sure you want anything serious. Perhaps your mom is all over you about finding someone, getting married, and having grandchildren for her. She’s your mom and you love her but you hate when she brings up your dating life and all her suggestions for what you should be doing. You want to maintain connection to her, but not like this. Your boundary might be: “Mom, I don’t want to talk about my dating life with you. If you bring it up again, I’ll change the topic or end the conversation.”

Inherent in the statement “Boundaries are mean” is the belief that asserting one’s needs is selfish. This can be rooted in codependent or enmeshed dynamics and low self-worth. Boundaries are a way to honor one’s self while maintaining relationship.

Boundaries help me avoid conflict

Some people mistake boundaries as a way to avoid someone. Boundaries are a way to navigate relationship with others who have behaviors or values that misalign with your own and impact you. Inherent in that is the need to thoughtfully consider the relationship, explore your values, and discern what limits you need to have in place in order to protect yourself in relationship to the other person.

Simply ghosting someone or not engaging in dialogue or relationship may be a boundary at the extreme end of cutting someone off. However, boundaries in most relationship dynamics are thoughtful ways to continue the connection in a way that honors both parties. It’s hardly an avoidance of conflict and more of an acceptance that the other person is allowed to choose their behavior and that you will make accommodations for yourself if they continue to be that way.

———

What often gets missed in the boundary-talk is that setting boundaries is often intertwined with grief. When we have to set a boundary with someone, it’s often after attempting to remain close and finding the other party unwilling to accommodate. It’s normal to feel uncomfortable with boundaries, especially if there’s a component of grief. If you’re looking for therapy to help you sort through boundaries in relationships, reach out for a free phone call consultation to discern if we’re a good fit.