Conflict in relationships can be such a hot-button issue. Many people think that conflict is a sign that the relationship is doomed. People often resort to avoiding conflict altogether, hoping that over time, the issues fade. On the other end of the spectrum, some people address conflict guns-blazing, head-on as if the title of “Being Right” were a game to be won. And yet neither create a winning outcome.

What we need is to be able to see conflict differently.

Conflict as a Sign of Care and an Invitation to Connection

No caring relationship will be conflict-free. When two people are in conflict, it is a sign that they are invested enough in the relationship to have thoughts, feelings, and opinions about what’s happening. It can be viewed as a sign that our partner cares about being connected to us, and that there is something they’re noticing that is disrupting that connection.

Many of us haven’t witnessed healthy conflict resolution, so we usually enter adult relationships with conflict defense mechanisms. Marriage researchers, Dr. John & Julie Gottman name the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse which are strategies that couples use in conflict that are signs of unhealth:

• Defensiveness: deflecting, dismissing or minimizing your role in the issue at hand, focusing on how your partner is at fault

• Stonewalling: refusing to engage in the conversation by disconnecting or distancing either in body language or emotional presence

• Criticism: attacking your partner’s character rather than expressing a complaint about a situation

• Contempt: demeaning your partner and conveying a lack of respect either in words or body language (e.g. eye rolling, “You’re such a child”)

If we’re honest, we’ve probably all engaged in each of those at some point. The goal is to learn to “fight fair” by eliminating those four strategies from conversation and replacing them with the following antidotes:

• Ownership: Take responsibility for your role in the conflict.

• Learn to Calm Yourself Down: if you struggle to stay engaged in conflict, it’s likely because you feel “flooded” and overwhelmed. You would benefit from my free guide on How to Stay Calm in Conflict, which gives four strategies for regulating your nervous system.

• Gentle Start Up: Complain about the situation at hand without blaming your partner, use “I” statements rather than “You” statements

• Appreciation and Respect: regularly give you partner gratitude for who they are and how they contribute to the relationship.

When we can make conflict safe by using healthy antidotes, we actually get to learn more about what matters to our partner, both their pains and their hopes and dreams.

Conflict as an Us-Against-The-Problem Dynamic

In arguments, we often project conflict onto our partners, perceiving that they’re the problem and need to change. This is a me-against-you dynamic and is bound to fail. It’s not safe to be in a relationship in which one person is to blame for the issues. In any relationship, both people contribute to the relationship dynamics. Both parties have a role in creating the issues, addressing the issues, and solving the issues.

Relationships transform when we can approach conflict as an us-against-the-issue dynamic.

Here’s an example:

Let’s say your partner withheld information about their finances. You end up finding out and feel betrayed and lied to. Your partner explains that they felt ashamed about their financial situation and were waiting for the right moment to share with you and were worried that you’d explode on them…like you did.

A me-against-you dynamic would interpret this as, the partner who withheld the information is the problem because they’re an untrustworthy individual. Or, the partner who often reacts poorly to bad news is the problem because they have unreasonable standards and make the other person feel unworthy, thus making transparency impossible.

An us-against-the-issue dynamic would interpret this situation as having trust and finances as third elements impacting the connection in the relationship. If the goal is connection and partnership, both individuals will need to figure out how they can earn back their partner’s trust. They may also need to explore their respective values regarding finances and whether they align or will need to adapt to their differences in values. In this perspective, trust and finances are the problem that both parties can work to address.

This is what creates safety in the relationship.

Having an us-against-the-issue dynamic fosters a positive and generous interpretation of the other person, rather than assuming fault or negative intent in the other. In this dynamic, it becomes increasingly safe to be honest and transparent because you can trust that your partner will work with you to resolve issues and not jump to judgement and make everything your fault.

Conflict as a Window into Our Past

Safety in relationship also has to do with how you present your emotions. The way you engage emotionally is something that was programmed in you by your life experiences. As you observe how you show up in conflict, you might notice patterns that point you back to experiences in your past.

Here’s an example of what’s happening neurologically in an emotionally-charged conflict. Let’s say you are engaging in conflict in a manner that is dysregulated (in a fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode - see the last blog post for deeper exploration of this topic). Your partner is also likely to get dysregulated. In our brains, we have mirror neurons that mimic what we perceive in others. If you’re angry, your partner will pick up on this and their nervous system will begin to activate the part of their brain that connects with anger.

The way you show up in conflict impacts your partner. In order to have a productive conversation, you need to show up in a manner that is perceived by them as safe which means that you need to be regulated in your nervous system.

Here are three ways to self-regulate before a conflict, or in the midst of a conflict:

1. Take three slow, deep breaths - pay special attention to exhaling slowly, as if you’re breathing out through a straw

2. Plant your feet firmly on the ground, place your hands on your thighs and gently rub back and forth - notice the sensation in your legs and hands

3. Offer yourself compassion, which sounds like, “This is a moment of suffering. I don’t like this, but I know that I care about my partner, and trust they care about me too. We will navigate this with compassion together.”

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When you feel stuck in a rut and can’t figure out how to have productive conflict resolution conversations, it might be because you need more support. How we handle conflict reveals what we believe about ourselves and the world. Often, these beliefs originated long before your partner came into the scene. If you’re experiencing thoughts of not being worthy, your needs being “too much,” or fears of rejection, it’s likely a sign that trauma therapy is a good next step to help free you from those beliefs that sabotage connection. You would also benefit from my free guide on How to Stay Calm in Conflict: 4 Ways to Regulate Your Nervous System.