Three strategies for coping with loss during times of celebration.

The holidays often hold the expectation of joy and celebration which can feel counter to the emotions of grief and loss. For this reason, it can be difficult to be grieving during such a time when we’re “supposed to be” happy.

Additionally, the holidays can be a sort of mile-marker for the time that’s past since our loved one was present. Grief can make us feel frozen in time, so it can be difficult to accept the reality that time has indeed passed since our loss occurred.

Whether you’re grieving the loss of a loved one to death or divorce, or you’re grieving the loss associated with a recent change or transition, know that there are ways to make it through.

Here are three suggestions for coping with grief during the holidays.

1.Have some you can talk to, unfiltered and without judgement.

We all need a safe space where we can grieve without the fear of judgement. Sometimes our grief shows up as sadness. Sometimes we feel straight up helpless. Other times we feel totally numb or a semblance of relief. We have to feel in order to heal, so it’s important to have at least one person you can be honest with who can compassionately witness your grief without judgement.

That person doesn’t need to have all the answers, but they should be someone who understands grief and can offer comfort as you’re processing what you’re feeling. Maybe you have a close friend or family member who won’t be biased toward the nature of your loss - they might be a good choice.

If you don’t have someone, now’s a good time to get connected to a therapist who specializes in helping folks navigate the pain of loss.

2. Loosen the expectations - let yourself feel what you feel.

Sometimes we get the idea that we can only feel one thing at a time: we can only feel joyful or sad, we can only feel angry or at peace. While life would feel easier if we could shut out the unpleasant emotions, it doesn’t work that way. Let yourself feel whatever comes up.

Know that just because you experience sadness, anger, denial, anxiety, or despair, doesn’t mean you can’t also feel joy, peace, delight, and connection in the same moment. Conflicting feelings can coexist. It can feel uncomfy, but it is normal.

When we feel as though we’re only “allowed” to feel certain emotions, we shut off some of our feelings which in turn limits our healing and creates internal tension.

For example, maybe you’re going to be enjoying your lost loved one’s favorite holiday dessert—when you notice the ping of loss comingling with your delight in the flavor of the dessert, let it be. Accept the emotion of loss and also accept the experience of delight.

Relieve yourself of the need to resolve unpleasant emotions and just notice that they are there, let yourself feel them. Allow yourself to also notice the pleasant emotions.

3. Have a coping strategy.

I wish I could say that grief has a clear endpoint and can easily be resolved in a three-step protocol, but grief is not that way. It’s something that we experience over time and it has an ebb and flow. Therapy, and specifically EMDR therapy, can help with dissipating the intense pain of loss especially if there was a traumatic element to the loss. However, grief isn’t something that totally leaves us.

Like the waves in the ocean, grief comes and goes. Sometimes the wave of grief mounts higher than we expect and other times it’s quite gentle. Having the mindset that you will likely feel some wave of grief will help you to plan in advance for coping.

Some coping strategies might include:

• Finding ways to make your body comfortable such as wearing comfortable clothing, dressing warm, having a blanket you can wrap up in if you’re feeling shaky.

• Make a plan for how you’ll navigate others’ questions about your loss, if they come up during the holiday.

• Think of creating an imaginative place in your mind that you can escape to that feels safe, calm, and relaxing. When you feel overwhelmed, take a time out and visualize being in that place.

• You might consider scheduling a therapy session for before or after the holiday.

• Substances, like alcohol, can often exacerbate difficult emotions, so consider eliminating or limiting your intake during vulnerable times. Cope ahead by making a plan to have a safe, soothing drink, such as tea or hot chocolate.

• Have someone you trust who you can call or text if things feel overwhelming.

• Sometimes we just need relief and a break from feeling the pain. Create a safe, healthy distraction such as an engaging show that elicits the opposite feelings of grief (a comedy, for example).

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While we can’t escape grief as a part of life, we can learn how to gently care for ourselves through the pain of loss and do so with the support of others. Whether your loss occurred recently or it’s been decades, know that it’s normal to feel a wide variety of emotions to various degrees. And if you’re needing a therapist who understands grief and can help you move through it, reach out here.