Emotions are a source of information.

Many people have value-associations with certain emotions. In our minds, we may have a subconscious list of “good” and “bad” emotions. Often these lists are developed through what we have observed or been directly taught in early formative years.

For example, some people feel they should not feel emotions of jealousy or hate — and if they do feel jealousy or hate, they begin to feel guilty or ashamed for experiencing those emotions.

Let’s consider a different way to look at emotions being “bad.”

Have you heard the saying, “Don’t shoot the messenger”? Emotions are your messenger that tell you about what’s going on in life. The messenger is simply relaying how your perception of self and others is impacted by what you’re experiencing. The messenger itself has no moral value.

However, the message may or may not align with what you value - and that might be what you’re judging.

Imagine this, you’re struggling with infertility and your best friend calls you up to share big news that they’re unexpectedly pregnant…with twins! Your heart sinks into your belly, your face gets hot, and you start to feel envious and you’re trying any way you can to convey excitement while thinking of an excuse to hop off the phone.

You’re thinking, life doesn’t feel fair, you’ve wanted this more than she has, you’ve been trying so hard, and on top of all of this jealousy, you’re feeling immense guilt because this is your best friend. You’re thinking, “I’m the worst friend for not being happy for her. I shouldn’t feel jealous.”

Your jealousy quickly transforms into self-hate and you numb out with anything that will get your mind off of babies.

How do we resolve this?

It starts with compassion. When we can be neutral toward our emotions, with compassion instead of judgement, we can see the meaning beneath the feeling. For the example above, the message that the emotion of jealousy may be something like, “She has a really good thing going for her and I wish I had what she has,” or perhaps “I don’t feel like I have enough” “I don’t feel like my needs are met.”

Any of those statements make sense, given the situation. Those messages sound like a natural, normal thing to interpret from the situation. When we can validate the emotion (acknowledge it makes sense to feel it) we can engage in curiosity about the underlying need beneath the feeling of jealousy.

Perhaps the underlying need with jealousy is to find ways to fulfill a sense of lack, or perhaps the need is to find new sources of contentment. Maybe the need is to hold space, once again, for the grief of unfulfilled longings. The goal isn’t to rid ourselves of the emotion, but to explore what it’s saying about a need we’re perceiving, and then nurture that need.

So why do you feel guilty for feeling jealous?

Guilt is an emotion we experience when something we’re doing (or not doing) is incongruent with our values.

Sometimes we assume an emotion conveys a message that is incongruent with what we value. For the example above, let’s assume you value friendship. You might feel jealous and assume that your jealousy means “I don’t want her to have good things.”

Is that statement actually true about how you feel? If it is, then it’s certainly incongruent with healthy friendship, so the guilt is an appropriate emotion that conveys an incongruence in what you value. This may signal you to spend some time working towards congruence through self-reflection and inner healing. This might involve exploring why your insecurity is triggered when others have good things. This is something that therapy can help with.

If that statement, “I don’t want her to have good things” isn’t true about how you’re interpreting the situation, then it may be that your jealousy simply conveys an awareness that someone else has something you’re longing for. And that’s a hard reality to face. It’s okay that that feels hard. That’s part of being human. It’s okay to honor the grief of your hopes not being met. Perhaps there’s a way to make space to feel your longing for good things while remaining consistent with your values of friendship.

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Emotions don’t hold moral value. They simply convey a message about how we’re interpreting ourselves and our environment. When the message of that emotion is incongruent with what we value or want, it creates internal dissonance.

When we can meet that internal dissonance with compassion and curiosity, we can begin to unpack the hurt and find ways to heal which ultimately realigns our inner life with our expressed values.

If you’re finding it difficult to be non-judgmental toward your emotions, working with a compassionate therapist can help. Reach out today!